just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
