U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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