Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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