First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
