I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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