I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
