Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
