Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
