In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
