i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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