they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
