My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
