Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
