is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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