A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
