A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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