I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dicks are not precious.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
