Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
