I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
