I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
