I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
