i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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