Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
