Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
