My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
