it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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