I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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