I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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