New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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