no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
