cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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