I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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