Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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