I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
