omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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