I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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