When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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