if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Randomize
