as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
