Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We need to get me chipped asap
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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