I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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