Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
