and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
