direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
