Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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