Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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