The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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