i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
