Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
