You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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