if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Who died my cat blue again?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
