im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
